Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
