I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
