We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
