Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
