Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
Randomize
