peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
