did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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