I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
