If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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