Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
i just had sex bonerless
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
