you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
