Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
where are my pants?
in the oven.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
