im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
