Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
I wish you could order shots online.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
