I didn't shave. On purpose
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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