I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
they need to just BURY HIM!
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
