I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
