I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
That's not ass to mouth..... That a rim job!! Are you telling me she licked your asshole?!
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
