420 ftw
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
