She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
