i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
