Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Randomize
