He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
