y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
