Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
