My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
