He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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