Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I think I have vodka in my lungs
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
