is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
