NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
