Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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