I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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