Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Someone came in the potted fern
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
