remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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