I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
