I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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