Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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