I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
