I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
