I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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