I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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