im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
