forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
