I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
