why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
