I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Randomize
