Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
