I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
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i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
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You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.