Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger