Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Every concussion has its silver lining
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
