You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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