we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
