The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
