I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
