I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Randomize
