Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
