last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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